As we step into 2025, I’ve been reflecting on how to be more intentional this year, particularly when it comes to setting healthy boundaries and addressing the people-pleasing tendencies that sometimes emerge in my interactions with others. I truly believe that our time and energy are two of the greatest gifts we can offer, so this reflection has led me to consider how I can be more deliberate about where and with whom I place my energy. By focusing on what truly matters, I hope to create space for deeper connections and a more balanced, fulfilling life.
How many relationships, tasks, or commitments truly add value to your life? It’s a question worth pondering, especially in light of two fascinating concepts: Dunbar’s Number, which suggests a cognitive limit on the number of meaningful social connections we can maintain, and the "7 slots" theory of working memory, which highlights the brain's limited capacity to juggle tasks at any given moment.
Let’s explore these ideas and reflect on the choices we make about where to allocate our finite resources—both socially and mentally.
Dunbar’s Number: (150 Relationships)
British anthropologist Robin Dunbar proposed that humans can comfortably maintain about 150 meaningful relationships, a number derived from studies of primates and the size of their social groups relative to brain size. While the idea is compelling, it has its critics and nuances.
Robin Dunbar's research suggests that humans have a cognitive limit to the number of meaningful social relationships they can maintain—roughly 150. This number is based on the size of the neocortex and is thought to stem from evolutionary pressures, where primates (including humans) formed social groups for survival.
Dunbar's research identified 150 relationships because:
It's the approximate number of individuals one can interact with regularly and keep track of emotionally, socially, and logistically.
Beyond this, maintaining connections becomes difficult due to constraints on time, energy, and attention.
The 7 Slots of Working Memory
George Miller's concept of the 7 slots of working memory refers to the number of distinct pieces of information that the human brain can hold and manipulate simultaneously. It governs short-term tasks like problem-solving, decision-making, and conversation comprehension.
Miller's research identifies that:
Working memory is temporary, dynamic, and task-specific, processing information moment-to-moment.
Unlike the relatively static nature of relationships, working memory involves active juggling, making its capacity smaller.
The differences between these two theories are:
Dunbar's number relates to long-term social connections, emphasizing relational depth over cognitive processing.
Miller's 7 slots pertain to short-term cognitive function, focusing on immediate information management.
The larger capacity for relationships (150) reflects the brain's ability to store and retrieve social knowledge over time.
The smaller capacity for working memory (7) reflects the brain's limit on simultaneous mental tasks.
Why Fewer "Slots" Than Relationships?
The apparent reduction in capacity of our brains from 150 relationships to 7 slots highlights the brain's design for processing tasks in real time and the working brain's desire to create specialization and process information simultaneously.
Chunking: Our brain groups related information into chunks to extend the utility of the 7 slots. Similarly, it clusters relationships (e.g., family, work, friends) to make managing 150 connections feasible or memorizing a 10-digit phone number as three chunks instead of 10 separate numbers which reduce cognitive strain.
Mental Tasks: Long-term memory stores relational knowledge for Dunbar's number, while working memory handles immediate problem-solving and emotional regulation like deep thinking and planning and managing stress. When overwhelmed, we can experience tunnel vision and poor decision-making, where running out of slots can result in burnout or diminished focus on what truly matters.
Trade-offs: Emotional labor and social interactions demand working memory slots, meaning maintaining too many simultaneous relationships (or conversations) can exhaust the 7-slot capacity.
Modern Implications
The digital era blurs the lines between Dunbar’s number and Miller's 7 slots. While social media platforms allow us to "maintain" hundreds or thousands of connections, meaningful engagement is still bound by Dunbar’s 150. It is highly likely that most people who engage on social media will experience cognitive overload due to constant notifications and multitasking, making it harder to prioritize valuable connections or tasks.
Practical Tips for Reclaiming Your Slots:
Limits aren’t inherently bad—they’re what make us human. The constraints of Dunbar’s number and the 7 slots challenge us to be intentional, to prioritize, and to build lives filled with purpose.
As you navigate your relationships, responsibilities, and dreams, remember: every slot you fill is a choice.
Audit Your Relationships: Reflect on whether your interactions and relationships are occupied by people who add value, joy, or meaning to your life. Are you maintaining relationships out of obligation or habit? Who in your life genuinely enriches your journey?
Simplify Your Mental Load: Use tools like chunking, to-do lists, or mindfulness techniques to free up working memory for important tasks. Identify how often do you take on unnecessary tasks or commitments?
Limit Digital Distractions: Notifications and social media interactions often fill cognitive slots without providing true value. Consider turning off unnecessary alerts or setting boundaries around screen time.
Invest in Depth Over Breadth: Whether in relationships or tasks, focus on quality over quantity. A few deep, meaningful connections—or a single task done well—can be far more rewarding.
By rethinking how we allocate our “slots,” we can reclaim control over our lives and create space for what adds value—not just to ourselves but to those around us. After all, it’s not about how much we carry, but about carrying what matters most.
The Takeaway
We live in a world of competing demands—socially and mentally. By understanding the limits of our brains and hearts, we can make deliberate choices about where to invest our time and energy.
Take a moment to evaluate:
Who truly matters in your life?
What tasks or commitments deserve your mental energy?
What will you give up to make space for what truly matters?
When you choose to let go of what doesn’t add value, you create room for deeper connections, sharper focus, and a more fulfilling life. After all, it’s not just about how many slots you have but how you use them.
The reflection prompt below will help me as I spend time over the coming weeks auditing my "slots" with intention so that I can release the relationships that are no longer serving me and/or support my growth and expansion.
Reflection Prompt: How many of your "slots" are filled with things that don’t serve your purpose or happiness? What will you do to reclaim them?
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